I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So much rum. So many feels.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
