if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
