I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
