I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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