I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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