I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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