Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
