My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
