we made out on top of his cat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
