I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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