Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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