I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
