Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
