the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
