quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
