If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
