we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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