BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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