OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
