Do you still have your period?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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