Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
