quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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