I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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