You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
