Can i not drive my cunt home
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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