How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
