Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
