some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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