I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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