he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
