Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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