Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
