somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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