Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
