Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
