i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
