It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
