i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
