it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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