And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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