one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
