i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
