I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
