The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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