i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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