i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
