My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I didn't notice because vodka
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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