I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
