filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
