I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
