for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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